you barely touched me that night
i blamed it on the heat
i was wrong
you were bracing yourself
finding ways to lead me to the edge
without pushing me over

too bad i had already fallen

Love: A Question of Importance

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

I was thinking about this quote recently and wondered why society places so much importance on this concept in regards to romantic love. According to the Ancient Greeks, there are seven types of love. They go as follows: eros, philia, storge, agape, ludus, pragma, and philatuia.

Eros is erotic or sexual love. Philia is the love between friends or platonic love. Storge is the love between parents and their children. Agape is love that is universal. It is akin to the modern day concept of altruism. Ludus is playful love. This type of love is casual and uncommitted. Pretty much like online dating it seems. Pragma is a practical type of love. It is based more off of the long term interests between all parties involved. Consider it the opposite of Ludus. Last but not least, Philatuia is self-love.

So if there are other types of love that can be had between one another or even within oneself, why does the notion of being single come with negative connotations? Have you ever been asked why you were single? As if there is something wrong with the fact that you don’t have a romantic partner(s). Why does it matter so much to other people? If it mattered to you, I would think you would do something to change that but if you don’t care, why do others?

I’ve never been in love. Sure I’ve had stupid crushes and infatuations with men in the past but never love. I had hoped my feelings would be requited and then together we could grow to love one another. Does that mean something is wrong with me that I’ve never experienced love and essentially the heartbreak that comes with it? Mind you, I love love. I think it’s terrifyingly beautiful. As scared of it as I am, I still want it. But I’m also okay with not experiencing it. I don’t think I will wither away to nothing if romantic love never happens to me. Why? Because I know and appreciate the other forms of love in which I give and receive. But why is this not acceptable to other people?

I’m curious to know what other people think.

 

To The Boy Who Ghosted Me

For someone in their early thirties, it’s difficult for me to refer to you as a man. A man faces the fear of what scares him the most: his emotions. I understand though, you didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Guess what? That’s a bullshit excuse. Face me like a man. Tell me you’re no longer interested in pursuing whatever this might have been. Don’t get my hopes up only to crush them with the silent treatment.

I never should have given that dating (hooking up) app another chance. That was my first mistake in this case. The second was falling for your black and white words. Thinking that the fact both of our fathers were dead connected us. I should have remembered what happened the last time I talked to a boy with a dead relative. He got my body and all I got was silence.

I thought this time would be different. That’s the age old problem. You don’t think the next time will be different. No. You hope it’ll be. But you’re just like the other boys.

Only worse.

You didn’t fool me into giving you my body. We never got to that point. I only had your words. Not even your voice. That’s the sad part. Because I got caught up in your words. And I started to believe you.

But you’re not completely in the wrong here. Sure you disrespected me and provided no closure. But I also let my worry for your absence show a side of me that I am not. For that I apologize.

To the boy who ghosted me:

Thank you for showing me that any further pursuit of you would have ended badly in the long run. Thank you for confirming that dating apps just aren’t for women like me. The independent. The strong. The lonely. The hurt. The risers.

To the boy who ghosted me:

I hope you’re honest with the next woman. I hope she realizes her worth. Because she deserves more than words on a screen. She deserves more than unanswered questions. She deserves more than silence.

She deserves a man.

Yep, It’s Another Dating Post

Being a single, 25 year old black asexual woman has its ups and downs. On the downside, it seems like it’s easy for my friends to get dates or talk to someone new but my blackness seems to hold me back or I’m only viewed as another accomplishment one crosses out on their sexual bucket list.  No thanks. Besides that, I do experience bouts of loneliness sometimes. Then I get a slight case of FOMO or fear of missing out. Following that comes the negative thoughts toward myself. Friends are the cure for this until they start talking about how they’re going on dates, talking to someone new, or when I’m around my couple friends. The bout usually only lasts at most a day or two but it still happens. Online dating is also a downside. You can read about why I personally feel that way here. I need to get over my initial shyness anyway so may as well practice by meeting people outside my friend group.

On the upside, I live alone so I am only responsible for me, myself, and I. Since I’m moving away from my friends and my family in a couple of months, right now I am spending as much time with them as possible which always makes me happy. As an extrovert, generally I like to be around people but due to me being single (and friends being busy) sometimes I have to do things by myself which can be daunting at times but overall, a great experience. I think once I move and find myself in a large city, dating will actually be something I look forward to.

In my opinion, one of the best things about being single is that I have all of the time in the world to figure out what it is that I want out of a relationship and a future partner. I am an asexual woman with a heteroromantic attraction. You can read all about that here. I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I know what I’m looking for and it’s just a matter of time until I meet someone who complements me. Below are the main things of what I would like in a partner.

Thoughtfulness, humor, creativity, loyalty, as well as the following:

Patience: He needs to understand where I stand in terms of independence. I have never dated nor been in a serious relationship (long story). Anyway, as an only child I’m used to being by myself. Again, I’m an extrovert so I’m used to only being responsible for myself. If we’re out on a date and you offer to pay, I will offer to at least cover my half just because I hate when others use their money on me.

Adventure: Would it be nice to just hop on a plane and travel abroad or take a cross country road trip? Sure. That’s not always realistic so I would like someone who can help me find adventure wherever I may be at that moment.

Vulnerability: Whenever I see a man on television or movie crying, I honestly love and hate it at the same time. I hate it because seeing anyone cry is sad but generally speaking, men have had in hard wired from a young age to be tough. I’d rather a potential partner be upset and come to me crying than just bottle it up only to have him explode later.

Passion: One trait I admire in anyone is their passion about something. To see their face light up when they are talking about whatever it is, makes me feel inspired to get my butt in gear to pursue my own interests. Speaking of which, I wouldn’t care if a man were interested in things I had no idea about because at least that way I could learn something new and therefore only build our relationship.

Curiosity: I’m at fault for questioning things constantly. It’d be nice to be with someone who is knowledgeable about some things but I’d like for him to question things as well so we can learn together or I could pass on my knowledge to him.

Sure, it sucks to be single sometimes especially when you look at dating and relationships differently than everyone else but it’s okay. The right person will come along when I least expect it and I believe that one day I’ll meet that person and if not, that’s okay too.

 

Turning 25: A Reflection of the Past and a Look to the Future

I can’t believe I am officially 25 years old. A quarter of a century! In the moment, it never feels like another year has gone by. It amazes me how in some moments, the concept of time almost disappears and suddenly you don’t know how you ended up where you are while at the same time, it seems to drag on and you notice it.

I would like to take this time to reflect on the past 25 years of my life to share some of my experiences. I also want to share some of my goals and brand new experiences that I look forward to in the years to come (in no particular order).

The Past

• Traveled to England and Scotland
• Had pneumonia
• Lost a parent
• Was on the receiving end of rejection (many times)
• Got my driver’s license
• Took my first solo road trip
• Lost both of my grandparents
• Got a dog
• Came out as asexual (which you can read all about here)
• Graduated high school
• Made new friends
• Got through my depression
• Got a passport
• Moved out of my childhood home and town
• Graduated college
• Got my first full time job
• Lived on my own for the first time
• Went to Bible Quiz camp
• Voted
• Read all of the Harry Potter books and saw all of the films
• Moved across the country
• Went to many concerts and met amazing people (band members and fans alike)
• Lost some friends
• Became a Girl Scout
• Played in the rain

The Future

• Travel more (or pretty much all of the time)
• Buy a car
• Fall in love
• Meet someone famous (A list celebrity status)
• Learn how to climb a tree
• Buy or build a house (preferably tiny)
• Actually learn how to do my makeup successfully
• Be happy with the body I have
• Be a part of a protest
• Read 100 books
• Watch more films and documentaries
• Learn how to play my keyboard
• Join a group of some sort
• Become the proud parent of a fur baby (or two)
• Attend a wedding solo
• Walk in heels without breaking anything
• Become a regular somewhere (like going into a cafe and the barista asks if I’ll have my regular order)
• Fulfill one if not both of my high school superlatives (miraculously was voted ‘Most Likely to Succeed’ and ‘Most Likely to Be Famous’)
• Buy a top notch digital camera
• Improve on my vocabulary and grammar
• Write more
• Update my wardrobe
• Run a race
• Play more video games
• Find my happy

 

Here’s to the past 25 years of some epic adventures and a glimpse into the journey ahead! Happy Birthday Danielle ❤

Word Vomit

Sorry, I know the title is gross but hey, it go your attention so mission accomplished.

Question: why do some people let fear hold them back? For example, I personally dread rejection. That’s not to say that I haven’t put myself out there and gotten rejected before because I have. From jobs, from boys. It happens. I’m used to it. But I think it’s the sting of the rejection that scares people. You could get used to it in the worst way and even expect it but when it happens, it still hurts. Why? Because some minuscule part of you hopes that the situation would be different. They say insanity is doing all the same and thinking that you’re going to get a different ending. Is it this extreme? Probably not but that’s how it feels. I have the personality of someone who needs validation or reassurance that I’m useful.

When applying for a job, at first I don’t really think about the rejection part. Generally that’s because I’m more than likely looking for jobs to just help me pay for my loans, bills, etc. It’s not a job I foresee myself working in the rest of my life. So next thing I know, I’m sitting down in an interview putting in my best effort to make myself seem useful. Next comes the waiting, followed by the callback or email. ‘We appreciate you coming in for an interview. Unfortunately we have decided to go with someone else who fits the credentials.’ Whatever. On to the next one right? Well I am just a 5’4” ball of stress so although that rejection wasn’t too big of a deal, here I am thinking that I’m going to be dirt poor if I don’t get a new job. Dramatic I know but sometimes that’s how I feel. It’s moreso when I’m applying for a bunch of jobs, going to multiple interviews and getting turned away by every. single. one. That hurts.

The stakes get higher when it comes to matters of the heart. If I like a guy, I’ll more than likely never reveal to him how I feel because of that sting. Do I expect him to put me in the friend zone or only see me in the physical sense? Yes. Is this fair? No. Especially assuming that people are only interested in you for sex. That’s not true. In my case it’s been that way (or the friend zone) so again, I’m used to it. But when I like someone, I do everything in my power to show my interest in them without actually saying the words. Of course I assume he’s either oblivious or he knows and is just trying to protect my feelings. I hate that by the way. Don’t just let me keep showing you that I like you and you just go along with it without saying anything because then I have no idea how you feel. I’m going to assume you only have platonic feelings for me unless you actually show me or tell me otherwise. But I know, I need to work on speaking up too. Again, I could know it’s coming but when it happens, a part of me is a little hurt. What did I do wrong? Why is it about me that you don’t view as good enough to get me out of the friend zone? How can I change? This among many other thoughts similar run through my end. Eventually I get over it and move on.

I’m not sure what the point of this post was. I guess I just needed to get some things off of my chest. Do I feel better? A little bit. The least I could do is start taking some initiative and letting the sting of rejection happen and deal with it. It’s going to happen again whether it’s with jobs, boys, or whatever else. That’s fine. That’s life. I just need to start getting brave and facing it more often.

Millennial Dating

 

Hey fellow Millennials! *Also hello to the baby boomers and Generation Z*

My friend sent me this interesting article earlier today on Millennial dating and I started talking to another friend of mine about it and here are some of my thoughts on it. It’s a pretty good read, take a look: Inside the Awkward World of Millennial Dating.

So as someone who is part of the age group that this article is based upon, I feel I may have a bit of a bias opinion. I totally get it. Dating in 2016 is extremely awkward, strange, weird, nerve-racking, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s exciting too; it just takes some time to get to the exciting parts of it.

I’ve tried online dating in the past (hint hint – it never worked out). I don’t think that method is for me, which makes it a bit difficult to navigate in the dating world. Nowadays it seems like life can’t happen without the use of technology and social media. Sure, posting pictures and tweeting about your dating life, sex life, or relationship is all fine and dandy so long as I don’t know every single thing about it. I don’t mind sharing certain moments, but I’m not going to document everything. If I get into a relationship, I’ll probably change my status on Facebook, but I’m not going to bombard the internet with pictures of our relationship because 1. I hate that anyway, 2. It’s no one’s business and 3. Those moments are just what I want people to see. You never knows what happens behind the scenes of what you’re looking at online. Everything positive is #relationshipgoals, but that is just a small glimpse of a relationship and, even then, it could be 100% fake. Even if you obtain those #goals, you’re going to get a rude awakening about what is involved in a real relationship – the good and the bad. You never know what is real. There are plenty of people – Youtubers, celebrities, and even couples I know in real life that only show what they want the world to see but I know that they have their issues.

Something I found interesting about the article is the place of limbo that Millennials seem to live in. Our parents/grandparents grew up without the use of this advanced technology so dating was far more about communication and personal, intimate interactions and the teenagers/babies are raised directly with this technology at their fingertips. We as Millennials grew up learning about it, but still know what’s it like not to have it and we miss that because that was such a different time. It’s hard to be in the middle and find the balance because I think it’s needed to have a little of both. I feel like many Millennials: I’m a bit old fashioned and I want a relationship that isn’t solely based on technological communication. Do I see anything wrong with people saying “Oh we met on Tinder/OkCupid, etc.”. No, because I very well could be one of those people. As long as what follows is something that is only interacting face to face unless the need for technology arises i.e. texting each other good morning/night or in the middle of work day just to say hello, how are you or whatever. I just hate that people are more afraid of talking on the phone vs. texting. This may be hypocritical to say because I will probably be the last person to pick up the phone and call a guy I’m interested in but that’s only because I feel like he’ll think I’m weird for doing so. If he were to call me, I’d be 1000% okay with it and actually find him even more interesting than if we just texted all of the time. That’s not to say I still wouldn’t be nervous. Nervousness doesn’t go away whether I’m a teen/young adult in the 90s talking to a crush or texting a crush now and then having to speak to him at some point in time face to face. You just don’t have to deal with being as nervous if you only communicate through social media or technology first.

My issue with dating in today’s world is that if you are solely basing your initial interactions only through technology and social media, when you finally do interact face to face, it’s not going to be authentic. Sure you seemed to have a good sense of humor or are really charming through a window on texts, but when you finally go on a date, you could be a completely different person. Plus it’s so difficult to decipher how a person really is through words on a screen. I need to know how you are in person and how you react to who I am in person. The authenticity is lost and that’s what makes dating so awkward and strange.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean we have to go back to the days of courting (unless that’s your thing, by all means court away). What I mean in terms of dating authentically is by taking a more nostalgic route. First, don’t immediately seek someone out through a screen. Go somewhere with people that share your common interests and try to meet people that way. Maybe you’ll meet someone through mutual friends. Then once you encounter that person, talk to them. Out loud. With words, not emojis. Ask them out on a date. Don’t just ask them to hang out because the signs may be misread. If it’s successful, continue dating. Form a relationship and the rest is history. Sure, throw some cute and flirty (maybe even dirty) texts in between but don’t throw it out there for the whole world to see in the form of pictures, tweets, or snaps. Find that balance of dating in today’s world without getting sucked into the social media frenzy of it all.

 

Dating Robots

Why has technology made dating so complicated anymore? What happened to the authenticity of asking someone out on a date vs. asking someone to hang out. Why must we plaster our relationships online for our friends, family, and complete strangers to see? Once it’s out there, it’s out there forever. If communication is one of the top factors needed to have a successful relationship, why is all of our communication via emotionless text messages and Snapchat stories?

Technology was supposed to make our lives easier and I will admit that it has in some cases but in others, it made it way more difficult. Dating is one of those cases. Here are some ways that I feel technology has changed the dating world:

“Do you want to go on a date?” vs. “Do you want to hang out?”
First and foremost, I have never actually been on a date. I’ve hung out with guys plenty of times in my adolescent and young adult life thus far but not once have I been asked out on a date. I was born in 1992 so my childhood was mostly spent outside playing while the preteen and adolescent years were a mixture of outdoor fun and indoor fun (accompanied by my Super Nintendo, PlayStation, and GameBoy Color). I have a bit of appreciation for the simpler times. At least back then (well maybe more in the 80s than the 90s), you actually asked someone to go out on a date. The conversations were more like: “Hey Sarah, I really like you and was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me on Friday night?” vs. “Hey Sarah, want to hang out on Friday night?” What does that even mean? When I hear the words ‘hang out’ I automatically think you only see me as a friend. I’m not saying that you have to propose to me by asking me on a date, but we all know that a date holds more weight than just hanging out. Don’t be afraid to ask someone out. For real.

Lack of Communication
Nowadays, everyone is consumed by staring down at their phones and barely paying attention to what is happening around them. In terms of dating, everything happens either online or through text messages. As a teenager, chat rooms and online dating sites were seen as taboo. I remember when my mom had me watch a special on Dateline NBC about how young girls fall prey to creepy men pretending to be teenagers online just so they can lure them to their homes, get them drunk and have their way with them. As dangerous as this was and still is (as this continues to happen), at the time I brushed it off. “That won’t happen to me. I’m smart enough to know not to meet in person with a stranger.” Now? That’s the whole purpose of these dating apps and online dating sites. Eventually you’re going to have to take the flirtatious messages and possible sexting offline and apply these to the real world.

Talking to someone in person seems way more taboo than it used to be.

No one wants to talk to anyone anymore. Why? Are you so afraid of being vulnerable in front of someone else or confronting your emotions in accordance with them? Also, what is with this awkwardness of talking to someone over the phone? I remember talking to former crushes until 3 in the morning and going to sleep feeling super giddy and bashful because I could hear their voices and hear how he was feeling. I didn’t have to guess what he meant by his text messages because he was able to tell me. It doesn’t seem like people have the ability to be genuinely open anymore.

There are more things that I could speak of in terms of dating but these two are the ones that stood out the most when I really thought about it. I have been guilty of both of these in the past but I’m 24 now. Genuine feelings and expression of said feelings are something I need out of a relationship. I want to go on a real date and have meaningful, goofy, intense, and stupid conversations. Texting is all fine and dandy but if you tell me you love me through text message, it’s over.