You Will Always Be My Girl

I have to say goodbye to you today. It’s your time to go. No more sickness, no more pain. No more seizures. You were my baby girl. My best friend. Do you remember when we met? Mom and I went to the local pound because after begging her over and over again, she let me have a dog. I don’t remember how old I was. Possibly 3, 4, or 5. Although I’m obsessed with Siberian Huskies now and there were two of them at the pound, you caught my eye. A little black and white bundle of joy. A mutt. I picked you and you picked me. I named you Tanya (like I had named pretty much everything at that age). We took you home and that was that. You were my girl.

I remember when you chewed my favorite stuffed animal. She was a black teddy bear (named Tanya of course). I was so angry at you but I still loved you. I remember when Mom and I thought you ran away and we looked for you everywhere. Called out your name but you never showed up. We were devastated. The next morning though there you were sitting on the porch as if nothing happened. You came home. Mom was so angry when you chewed up her shoes or her stockings. She was especially angry when you chewed up a brand new coat that she bought me. I convinced her that I do bad things too and she never got rid of me. I was a very convincing child and therefore she forgave you and you were still my girl.

I walked you, slept with you, bathed you, loved you. I was there for when you had a bad seizure in the middle of July. I (along with your brother Mark) laid on the front porch with you because we were afraid to move you. Our parents were away on a trip but when they came home the next day with food, you were back to your normal self.

You were there for me when I found out my dad had passed away. You came with me to visit him in the cemetery and I know he loved you too. You were loved by everyone. People were amazed that you lived as long as you did. You lived a long and full life Tanya and I will miss you. You will always be my baby girl and I will always love you.

Goodbye Tanya.

Yep, It’s Another Dating Post

Being a single, 25 year old black asexual woman has its ups and downs. On the downside, it seems like it’s easy for my friends to get dates or talk to someone new but my blackness seems to hold me back or I’m only viewed as another accomplishment one crosses out on their sexual bucket list.  No thanks. Besides that, I do experience bouts of loneliness sometimes. Then I get a slight case of FOMO or fear of missing out. Following that comes the negative thoughts toward myself. Friends are the cure for this until they start talking about how they’re going on dates, talking to someone new, or when I’m around my couple friends. The bout usually only lasts at most a day or two but it still happens. Online dating is also a downside. You can read about why I personally feel that way here. I need to get over my initial shyness anyway so may as well practice by meeting people outside my friend group.

On the upside, I live alone so I am only responsible for me, myself, and I. Since I’m moving away from my friends and my family in a couple of months, right now I am spending as much time with them as possible which always makes me happy. As an extrovert, generally I like to be around people but due to me being single (and friends being busy) sometimes I have to do things by myself which can be daunting at times but overall, a great experience. I think once I move and find myself in a large city, dating will actually be something I look forward to.

In my opinion, one of the best things about being single is that I have all of the time in the world to figure out what it is that I want out of a relationship and a future partner. I am an asexual woman with a heteroromantic attraction. You can read all about that here. I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I know what I’m looking for and it’s just a matter of time until I meet someone who complements me. Below are the main things of what I would like in a partner.

Thoughtfulness, humor, creativity, loyalty, as well as the following:

Patience: He needs to understand where I stand in terms of independence. I have never dated nor been in a serious relationship (long story). Anyway, as an only child I’m used to being by myself. Again, I’m an extrovert so I’m used to only being responsible for myself. If we’re out on a date and you offer to pay, I will offer to at least cover my half just because I hate when others use their money on me.

Adventure: Would it be nice to just hop on a plane and travel abroad or take a cross country road trip? Sure. That’s not always realistic so I would like someone who can help me find adventure wherever I may be at that moment.

Vulnerability: Whenever I see a man on television or movie crying, I honestly love and hate it at the same time. I hate it because seeing anyone cry is sad but generally speaking, men have had in hard wired from a young age to be tough. I’d rather a potential partner be upset and come to me crying than just bottle it up only to have him explode later.

Passion: One trait I admire in anyone is their passion about something. To see their face light up when they are talking about whatever it is, makes me feel inspired to get my butt in gear to pursue my own interests. Speaking of which, I wouldn’t care if a man were interested in things I had no idea about because at least that way I could learn something new and therefore only build our relationship.

Curiosity: I’m at fault for questioning things constantly. It’d be nice to be with someone who is knowledgeable about some things but I’d like for him to question things as well so we can learn together or I could pass on my knowledge to him.

Sure, it sucks to be single sometimes especially when you look at dating and relationships differently than everyone else but it’s okay. The right person will come along when I least expect it and I believe that one day I’ll meet that person and if not, that’s okay too.

 

Turning 25: A Reflection of the Past and a Look to the Future

I can’t believe I am officially 25 years old. A quarter of a century! In the moment, it never feels like another year has gone by. It amazes me how in some moments, the concept of time almost disappears and suddenly you don’t know how you ended up where you are while at the same time, it seems to drag on and you notice it.

I would like to take this time to reflect on the past 25 years of my life to share some of my experiences. I also want to share some of my goals and brand new experiences that I look forward to in the years to come (in no particular order).

The Past

  • Traveled to England and Scotland
  • Had pneumonia
  • Lost a parent
  • Was on the receiving end of rejection (many times)
  • Got my driver’s license
  • Took my first solo road trip
  • Lost both of my grandparents
  • Got a dog
  • Came out as asexual (which you can read all about here)
  • Graduated high school
  • Made new friends
  • Got through my depression
  • Got a passport
  • Moved out of my childhood home and town
  • Graduated college
  • Got my first full time job
  • Lived on my own for the first time
  • Went to Bible Quiz camp
  • Voted
  • Read all of the Harry Potter books and saw all of the films
  • Moved across the country
  • Went to many concerts and met amazing people (band members and fans alike)
  • Lost some friends
  • Became a Girl Scout
  • Played in the rain

The Future

  • Travel more (or pretty much all of the time)
  • Buy a car
  • Fall in love
  • Meet someone famous (A list celebrity status)
  • Learn how to climb a tree
  • Buy or build a house (preferably tiny)
  • Actually learn how to do my makeup successfully
  • Be happy with the body I have
  • Be a part of a protest
  • Read 100 books
  • Watch more films and documentaries
  • Learn how to play my keyboard
  • Join a group of some sort
  • Become the proud parent of a fur baby (or two)
  • Attend a wedding solo
  • Walk in heels without breaking anything
  • Become a regular somewhere (like going into a cafe and the barista asks if I’ll have my regular order)
  • Fulfill one if not both of my high school superlatives (miraculously was voted ‘Most Likely to Succeed’ and ‘Most Likely to Be Famous’)
  • Buy a top notch digital camera
  • Improve on my vocabulary and grammar
  • Write more
  • Update my wardrobe
  • Run a race
  • Play more video games
  • Find my happy

 

Here’s to the past 25 years of some epic adventures and a glimpse into the journey ahead! Happy Birthday Danielle ❤

A Day of Love?

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. While the history surrounding this day is rooted with St. Valentine, I’d like to talk about what it means nowadays. In my opinion, it’s a holiday made for corporations like Hallmark to make a crap load of money off of cheesy cards and gifts. Is this coming from the bitter jealous of someone who always been single on Valentine’s Day? You can think that if you want. I’m not jealous of those who are able to have someone to celebrate the holiday with. Why? Because I don’t feel like there has to be a whole day devoted to showing you love someone. If I’m in a relationship with you and I love you, you’ll know it by my words and actions everyday. Don’t get me wrong, if I were to receive a gift on Valentine’s Day from a significant other, I would appreciate it. I just don’t feel like there is a need for it to be done.

Speaking of gifts, I’m a firm believer that the more meaningful and thoughtful a gift is, the better chances I’ll have of liking it. Anyone can go out and buy cards, roses, and chocolates. The difference in those types of gifts and gifts that I would enjoy more is the sentiment behind it. Make the card or find one that you know I would like because it relates to something I enjoy. Don’t get me roses. The only flowers I have ever received were from my dad when I was little and he gave them to me at my dance recitals. Roses? They are pretty and I think maybe the first time I’d enjoy them but honestly, be original. Instead of a whole bouquet of roses, get a bouquet of my favorite flowers. Or just one or two because let’s be real. I’m lucky the fern I have in my apartment is still alive. I honestly love dandelions – but I’m one of those weirdos who likes the weeds that you blow on to make a wish – and since you can’t really get a bouquet of those, my second favorite flowers are sunflowers. They remind me of my grandparents. In terms of chocolates, it’s pretty much the same thing. I don’t really have a favorite brand or type. I love Snickers but a way to up the ante is to get me ice cream instead. A pint of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked is better than a heart shaped box of various chocolates where I have to Russian Roulette to find a piece that I like.

Maybe I’m cynical but since Valentine’s Day is on a Tuesday, it’s just another day to me. When I was little Valentine’s Day was more enjoyable because I had to bring in treats and cards for the class and knew I’d at least receive something. High school? Not so much. Once I sent flowers to a guy and watched him throw them in the trash. I put that they were from a secret admirer but in my defense, I was going to tell him it was me since he was in a grade above me and didn’t know who I was. I’m not too lucky when it comes with the opposite sex. I’m not lucky when it comes to dating or relationships in general but that’s besides the point. If this day is all about celebrating love, then just show your love through your words and actions. Do that on a daily basis. Unless you’re with someone who feels love by receiving gifts than it’s not necessary to try to go all out on Valentine’s Day. I mean by all means if you want to go ahead. Just don’t feel like you have to.

Anyway, single or not, just try to enjoy Valentine’s Day. Spread the love and remember: all of that candy is discounted February 15th <3.

 

The President Does Not Care About You

I’m very quiet on social media when it comes to politics. Actually I’m usually very quite about politics in general. Maybe I’ll bring it up among friends every once in awhile but that is the last topic I ever want to discuss. Why? I’m uneducated when it comes to political vernacular. Yes, I was paying attention in my American Government class back in high school. *Fun fact: When the teacher asked my class if we ever wanted to be President of the United States of America, the majority of us said that we would rather commit suicide.* Extremely morbid I know but I can agree that there are plenty of other things I would rather be doing than running the country. It’s not like I would be running it anyway.

So why am I making this blog post and posting on a social media website as big and full of the drama I avoid? I’m angry. I’m angry because America was never a country that needed to be made great again. It’s a country that needs to be reset. Reformatted. America COULD be a great country if only the current leader was not in his position of power. I voted in the election and it didn’t even matter. It’s a disheartening feeling because there was so much pressure in general, not necessarily on me, to vote because of how important this election was and look what happened.

We get a President who doesn’t care about the American people. Who does he care about? Wealthy and straight white men. Who do the American people consist of that Trump does not care about? Literally everyone else. Trump doesn’t care about me. Or my family. Or my friends.

I never really thought that the President of the United States ever really cared about me before. Not personally. Maybe in the overall grand scheme of things but I doubt it. Now I know for sure the truth. It’s scary to think of because the bullshit that spews from Trump’s mouth or his Twitter account (which at the rate he’s posting tells me that he has no time to pay attention to the needs of the American people) does nothing to make America great again. He’s making it worse and he’s going to make it worse.

I know what you’re thinking. “Give him a chance. He hasn’t done anything yet.” Hmm does the Dakota and Keystone pipelines ring a bell? Sure they don’t effect me directly but it effects me. I have Cherokee and Cheyenne Native American blood running through my veins. Even if I didn’t, it boggles my mind how people just don’t understand the problem with these issues. Let me give you a history lesson: What’s going on with the Dakota pipeline is pretty much rooted in what happened when Christopher Columbus stole America. Not discovered. Stole. It wasn’t his land nor was it his right to just waltz on over here and take it when it was already inhabited. The pipeline? Same thing. Because a bunch of rich and whiny white people threw a tantrum on the original plan and didn’t want the pipeline on their land. Really do we even need a pipeline? Technically all of the land in America is sacred and belongs to the Native Americans but that’s another lesson in history.

Anyway, that’s just one issue I have with Trump. Normally I would ignore the political world and just sum it up to ‘since it doesn’t effect me directly, I don’t care’. The next 4 years and thereafter will have me paying more attention to the world. Especially the political world. What’s the best thing you can do if you’re angry like me or just want to know more about what the fuck is happening? Educate yourself. Read up on political news. Get your terminology down. Talk to people who are into politics. SPEAK UP. Go out and vote in your local elections as well as the Senate. Punch a Nazi. Just do something.

Ignorance is not bliss in this case. If you’re angry, get your anger out in a healthy way and then go find the resources needed to make the change that you want to see in the world. Nothing will change unless you make the change. So what are you waiting for?

Word Vomit

Sorry, I know the title is gross but hey, it go your attention so mission accomplished.

Question: why do some people let fear hold them back? For example, I personally dread rejection. That’s not to say that I haven’t put myself out there and gotten rejected before because I have. From jobs, from boys. It happens. I’m used to it. But I think it’s the sting of the rejection that scares people. You could get used to it in the worst way and even expect it but when it happens, it still hurts. Why? Because some minuscule part of you hopes that the situation would be different. They say insanity is doing all the same and thinking that you’re going to get a different ending. Is it this extreme? Probably not but that’s how it feels. I have the personality of someone who needs validation or reassurance that I’m useful.

When applying for a job, at first I don’t really think about the rejection part. Generally that’s because I’m more than likely looking for jobs to just help me pay for my loans, bills, etc. It’s not a job I foresee myself working in the rest of my life. So next thing I know, I’m sitting down in an interview putting in my best effort to make myself seem useful. Next comes the waiting, followed by the callback or email. ‘We appreciate you coming in for an interview. Unfortunately we have decided to go with someone else who fits the credentials.’ Whatever. On to the next one right? Well I am just a 5’4” ball of stress so although that rejection wasn’t too big of a deal, here I am thinking that I’m going to be dirt poor if I don’t get a new job. Dramatic I know but sometimes that’s how I feel. It’s moreso when I’m applying for a bunch of jobs, going to multiple interviews and getting turned away by every. single. one. That hurts.

The stakes get higher when it comes to matters of the heart. If I like a guy, I’ll more than likely never reveal to him how I feel because of that sting. Do I expect him to put me in the friend zone or only see me in the physical sense? Yes. Is this fair? No. Especially assuming that people are only interested in you for sex. That’s not true. In my case it’s been that way (or the friend zone) so again, I’m used to it. But when I like someone, I do everything in my power to show my interest in them without actually saying the words. Of course I assume he’s either oblivious or he knows and is just trying to protect my feelings. I hate that by the way. Don’t just let me keep showing you that I like you and you just go along with it without saying anything because then I have no idea how you feel. I’m going to assume you only have platonic feelings for me unless you actually show me or tell me otherwise. But I know, I need to work on speaking up too. Again, I could know it’s coming but when it happens, a part of me is a little hurt. What did I do wrong? Why is it about me that you don’t view as good enough to get me out of the friend zone? How can I change? This among many other thoughts similar run through my end. Eventually I get over it and move on.

I’m not sure what the point of this post was. I guess I just needed to get some things off of my chest. Do I feel better? A little bit. The least I could do is start taking some initiative and letting the sting of rejection happen and deal with it. It’s going to happen again whether it’s with jobs, boys, or whatever else. That’s fine. That’s life. I just need to start getting brave and facing it more often.

An Open Letter To Mom

Hi Mom,

It seems like Daddy is getting all of the attention on this blog. Not sure if I ever told you that I felt like a bad daughter when it came to Daddy but I feel the same way when it comes to you too. I notice when I’m being mean to you or unappreciative and selfish. It comes out more the closer and closer my cycle gets because those are the times when you ask me why I’m so angry or when you say that I won’t have any more friends because of my attitude. You’re right. It’s strange because I only act that way towards you, Kevin, and when he was alive Daddy. Maybe because I know that if I were to act that way at a job, I’d get fired or if I’d act that way around my friends, they’d stop hanging out with me. Technically I could be disowned by my family but I know that with all of you, that wouldn’t happen. So I push. I push and I push and I’m sorry.

I’m crying as I type this out. Maybe that’s the alcohol or my hormones. I just want to stop feeling this way and what sucks about it is that no matter what you say, you can’t help me. Don’t get me wrong, you make me feel better but I always go back to feeling the anger that is deep down in my soul. I don’t know where it comes from but I do know that if it doesn’t go away soon, I’m afraid I’ll say something to hurt you like I did the last time. Remember? I just want to stop feeling like your life would be better without me being a burden because I know that that isn’t what you think.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like when you’re no longer around. It’s scary to think about because I do depend on you for so much and I’ll feel completely lost and helpless (which is why you can’t leave me until you’re 100 or more). It’s just easy to express my sadness by using anger but it’s not right to direct it towards people that love and care for me. One day you won’t be here and then what? Then I’ll have to spend birthdays and holidays at your grave wishing I could just apologize for every bad thing I said in the past. Well all of that emotion is what stresses me out now. That and money and you know the rest. I feel like I won’t know how to live without you. Living without Daddy is always difficult because for 23 years all I knew was you and him. Now it’s just you.

Sometimes I wish it could be just you and me again. But that would be selfish. Because I love Kevin, I do. Sometimes he annoys me to no end but I know that he’s right for you. But sometimes I really miss those times before him when I was a little girl and I could spend time with you without having to worry about someone else being there.

I’m writing this because I’m sad. I’m sad for how I treated you on Christmas of all days and how I have treated you in the past. I’m really going to try to be a better daughter to you because you deserve it. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with my anger. I probably will slip up because this journey is hard but I thank you for being there for me because I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t.

I love you Mom.