I never liked to say I had anxiety. “It’s just stress” was usually the excuse. It couldn’t be anxiety because I hadn’t experienced any anxiety attacks like some friends of mine had. “It’s just stress.”
The problem is that I do experience anxiety and according to my former therapist, I have slight depression.
I recently moved across the country for the 2nd time in my life. Again, from the East Coast to the West Coast. Even in the time of COVID-19, I managed to make it from one end of the country to the other mentally unscathed. My mom welcomed me with open arms and I gladly accepted as I missed her. The weekend gave me time to adjust to the time change and the new area before work started back up on Monday.
This move not only effected my mental state but my physical state. At the time of this posting, I’m 11 days late for my period which the most I’ve ever been late has been a couple of days. “It’s just stress from the move.” Nothing to be alarmed about so I wasn’t.
But then the other night, something changed within me. After my first full week back to work, I was all set to spend my Saturday looking for a job. My current job’s end date wasn’t too far around the corner and soon my income would disappear. So I started to look for something to take over. That’s when the anxiety kicked in.
I started reading about the different jobs and the required qualifications only to have this booming voice in my mind tell me that it would be a waste of my time to apply for that particular job. That I wasn’t qualified. That I wasn’t good enough. Throughout the search that voice got louder until it consumed my mind. And the first of six small but significant mental breakdowns happened over the course of two days. All I did was cry and deal with the pounding headache brought on from crying. It was suffocating.
Although not an official diagnosis, I looked up this form of anxiety only to find that I have career anxiety. See, I hate working in customer service but that’s pretty much the only field of work I have experience in. Growing up I never took the time to explore my interests or hobbies. It was always just about surviving and making sure I always had money in my bank account to survive. By that I mean make sure the bills are covered. To heck with groceries this week. I can’t mess up my credit score. That was
is my thinking.
To say that I don’t know what to be when I grow up would be an understatement. I don’t have forks in the road of different career paths to make a decision on. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. And that stresses me out. It scares me.
I need to figure this out but I don’t know where to start. I’ve probably taken every sort of career aptitude test out there, filled out this career transition workbook, and even taken a bunch of personality tests to see what careers fit my personality best. All I see is a world full of overwhelming possibilities that feels more like a rope wrapping around my body and crushing my soul than a sigh of relief.
For the next few days, I am taking time to distance myself from loved ones so I don’t say something I may regret or dump my broken record issues on them once again. It won’t lead to anything positive until I take the necessary steps to gain control of all of this. I know I won’t be successful in this transitional period in this state of mind either.
But how do you find your way out of hole you feel consistently stuck in?