you barely touched me that night
i blamed it on the heat
i was wrong
you were bracing yourself
finding ways to lead me to the edge
without pushing me over

too bad i had already fallen

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Love: A Question of Importance

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

I was thinking about this quote recently and wondered why society places so much importance on this concept in regards to romantic love. According to the Ancient Greeks, there are seven types of love. They go as follows: eros, philia, storge, agape, ludus, pragma, and philatuia.

Eros is erotic or sexual love. Philia is the love between friends or platonic love. Storge is the love between parents and their children. Agape is love that is universal. It is akin to the modern day concept of altruism. Ludus is playful love. This type of love is casual and uncommitted. Pretty much like online dating it seems. Pragma is a practical type of love. It is based more off of the long term interests between all parties involved. Consider it the opposite of Ludus. Last but not least, Philatuia is self-love.

So if there are other types of love that can be had between one another or even within oneself, why does the notion of being single come with negative connotations? Have you ever been asked why you were single? As if there is something wrong with the fact that you don’t have a romantic partner(s). Why does it matter so much to other people? If it mattered to you, I would think you would do something to change that but if you don’t care, why do others?

I’ve never been in love. Sure I’ve had stupid crushes and infatuations with men in the past but never love. I had hoped my feelings would be requited and then together we could grow to love one another. Does that mean something is wrong with me that I’ve never experienced love and essentially the heartbreak that comes with it? Mind you, I love love. I think it’s terrifyingly beautiful. As scared of it as I am, I still want it. But I’m also okay with not experiencing it. I don’t think I will wither away to nothing if romantic love never happens to me. Why? Because I know and appreciate the other forms of love in which I give and receive. But why is this not acceptable to other people?

I’m curious to know what other people think.

 

You’re a boat in the middle of the ocean
Drifting further and further away from land
From me

There’s a long rope to pull you back in
But I’m struggling by myself

I wonder if I’ll ever see you again
If you’ll ever come back
But you won’t

 

To The Boy Who Ghosted Me

For someone in their early thirties, it’s difficult for me to refer to you as a man. A man faces the fear of what scares him the most: his emotions. I understand though, you didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Guess what? That’s a bullshit excuse. Face me like a man. Tell me you’re no longer interested in pursuing whatever this might have been. Don’t get my hopes up only to crush them with the silent treatment.

I never should have given that dating (hooking up) app another chance. That was my first mistake in this case. The second was falling for your black and white words. Thinking that the fact both of our fathers were dead connected us. I should have remembered what happened the last time I talked to a boy with a dead relative. He got my body and all I got was silence.

I thought this time would be different. That’s the age old problem. You don’t think the next time will be different. No. You hope it’ll be. But you’re just like the other boys.

Only worse.

You didn’t fool me into giving you my body. We never got to that point. I only had your words. Not even your voice. That’s the sad part. Because I got caught up in your words. And I started to believe you.

But you’re not completely in the wrong here. Sure you disrespected me and provided no closure. But I also let my worry for your absence show a side of me that I am not. For that I apologize.

To the boy who ghosted me:

Thank you for showing me that any further pursuit of you would have ended badly in the long run. Thank you for confirming that dating apps just aren’t for women like me. The independent. The strong. The lonely. The hurt. The risers.

To the boy who ghosted me:

I hope you’re honest with the next woman. I hope she realizes her worth. Because she deserves more than words on a screen. She deserves more than unanswered questions. She deserves more than silence.

She deserves a man.

Green

Paper thin but carries so much weight
Burdens my mind with unnecessary worth
Green causes me to see red
Fire exploding in my mind
Building up to the point of all around exhaustion
Red sometimes changes to blue
When I think no more can be taken from me
They flow down my face until I can’t breathe
Blue goes to black
Quiet and empty and asleep
Finally it all ends until the next cycle hits
Never have I ever seen white

You Will Always Be My Girl

I have to say goodbye to you today. It’s your time to go. No more sickness, no more pain. No more seizures. You were my baby girl. My best friend. Do you remember when we met? Mom and I went to the local pound because after begging her over and over again, she let me have a dog. I don’t remember how old I was. Possibly 3, 4, or 5. Although I’m obsessed with Siberian Huskies now and there were two of them at the pound, you caught my eye. A little black and white bundle of joy. A mutt. I picked you and you picked me. I named you Tanya (like I had named pretty much everything at that age). We took you home and that was that. You were my girl.

I remember when you chewed my favorite stuffed animal. She was a black teddy bear (named Tanya of course). I was so angry at you but I still loved you. I remember when Mom and I thought you ran away and we looked for you everywhere. Called out your name but you never showed up. We were devastated. The next morning though there you were sitting on the porch as if nothing happened. You came home. Mom was so angry when you chewed up her shoes or her stockings. She was especially angry when you chewed up a brand new coat that she bought me. I convinced her that I do bad things too and she never got rid of me. I was a very convincing child and therefore she forgave you and you were still my girl.

I walked you, slept with you, bathed you, loved you. I was there for when you had a bad seizure in the middle of July. I (along with your brother Mark) laid on the front porch with you because we were afraid to move you. Our parents were away on a trip but when they came home the next day with food, you were back to your normal self.

You were there for me when I found out my dad had passed away. You came with me to visit him in the cemetery and I know he loved you too. You were loved by everyone. People were amazed that you lived as long as you did. You lived a long and full life Tanya and I will miss you. You will always be my baby girl and I will always love you.

Goodbye Tanya.

Yep, It’s Another Dating Post

Being a single, 25 year old black asexual woman has its ups and downs. On the downside, it seems like it’s easy for my friends to get dates or talk to someone new but my blackness seems to hold me back or I’m only viewed as another accomplishment one crosses out on their sexual bucket list.  No thanks. Besides that, I do experience bouts of loneliness sometimes. Then I get a slight case of FOMO or fear of missing out. Following that comes the negative thoughts toward myself. Friends are the cure for this until they start talking about how they’re going on dates, talking to someone new, or when I’m around my couple friends. The bout usually only lasts at most a day or two but it still happens. Online dating is also a downside. You can read about why I personally feel that way here. I need to get over my initial shyness anyway so may as well practice by meeting people outside my friend group.

On the upside, I live alone so I am only responsible for me, myself, and I. Since I’m moving away from my friends and my family in a couple of months, right now I am spending as much time with them as possible which always makes me happy. As an extrovert, generally I like to be around people but due to me being single (and friends being busy) sometimes I have to do things by myself which can be daunting at times but overall, a great experience. I think once I move and find myself in a large city, dating will actually be something I look forward to.

In my opinion, one of the best things about being single is that I have all of the time in the world to figure out what it is that I want out of a relationship and a future partner. I am an asexual woman with a heteroromantic attraction. You can read all about that here. I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I know what I’m looking for and it’s just a matter of time until I meet someone who complements me. Below are the main things of what I would like in a partner.

Thoughtfulness, humor, creativity, loyalty, as well as the following:

Patience: He needs to understand where I stand in terms of independence. I have never dated nor been in a serious relationship (long story). Anyway, as an only child I’m used to being by myself. Again, I’m an extrovert so I’m used to only being responsible for myself. If we’re out on a date and you offer to pay, I will offer to at least cover my half just because I hate when others use their money on me.

Adventure: Would it be nice to just hop on a plane and travel abroad or take a cross country road trip? Sure. That’s not always realistic so I would like someone who can help me find adventure wherever I may be at that moment.

Vulnerability: Whenever I see a man on television or movie crying, I honestly love and hate it at the same time. I hate it because seeing anyone cry is sad but generally speaking, men have had in hard wired from a young age to be tough. I’d rather a potential partner be upset and come to me crying than just bottle it up only to have him explode later.

Passion: One trait I admire in anyone is their passion about something. To see their face light up when they are talking about whatever it is, makes me feel inspired to get my butt in gear to pursue my own interests. Speaking of which, I wouldn’t care if a man were interested in things I had no idea about because at least that way I could learn something new and therefore only build our relationship.

Curiosity: I’m at fault for questioning things constantly. It’d be nice to be with someone who is knowledgeable about some things but I’d like for him to question things as well so we can learn together or I could pass on my knowledge to him.

Sure, it sucks to be single sometimes especially when you look at dating and relationships differently than everyone else but it’s okay. The right person will come along when I least expect it and I believe that one day I’ll meet that person and if not, that’s okay too.